ottawonk

OLO, you're doing a heck of a job

2009-11-03T22:09:00.000-08:00

yo alf, we're really happy for you and we'a let you finish, but stephen ledrew is the most retarded LPC president of all time!

why is everyone just stone cold hatin' on alfred alps, when all he was trying to do was let everyone know that STEPHEN HARPER DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THE NATIVE PEOPLE!

so not time for a crime spree

2009-11-02T19:16:00.000-08:00

seriously, how could you not want to hug this thug?

speaking of serious policy debates, for those of you worrying that maybe the government's legislative cupboard is looking a little barren for the next few months, rest assured that entire armies of justice lawyers are beavering away over at east memorial building as we speak, doing whatever it is they do to come up with their latest policy opus: an act to protect canadians' groins, pickles and faith in children's television characters by amending the criminal code of canada so as to provide minimum mandatory sentences for groin-kicking, pickle thievery, and impersonating a teletubby during the commission of an indictable offence. but are there charter issues?

oh and speaking of our favourite law-talking peeps, contgratz to you justice-leaguers for getting your very own first collective agreement! ok, so it took over three years, but we're sure that getting the same 1.5 as the rest of us was totally worth it. oh yeah, and the overtime.

talking points fail

2009-11-02T19:04:00.000-08:00

oh nicely played rick dykstra (on power play, like a few minutes ago):

We're not blaming anyone ... nobody is responsible for this.

now that's what we call accountable government! but seriously, we would have accepted the provinces, or glaxosmithkline.

we get high by ourselves, alone. with no help from anybody.

2009-10-27T23:05:00.000-07:00

do you need anybody? could it be anybody?

oh, lawrence martin. so coy:

Are wives and romances fair game for the fourth estate? Judging from this book they should be. The power behind the throne can’t be ignored. Just recently we saw how Laureen Harper masterminded her Stephen’s variety show coup — the piano and song act at the Ottawa gala.

There was no attempt to hide that news.

and really chris selley, does someone have to spell that out for you? perhaps in a cryptic photo montage, hmm? anyway, yes, let's all pat ourselves on the back for being so canadian and only interested in serious policy issues and not the hot hot sex like other, less serious countries.

UPDATE: oh, jane taber. so coy:

“I don’t ever want to criticize the cartoonist because his job is to create cartoons,” Mrs. Harper says. “But my children are exposed to lots of negative stuff about their father. ... "

um, yeah. and here's a little family pumpkin-carving tip for all you non-desperate housewives out there: just add stetson and tazer for added sexiness! anyway, props at least to our jane for making our heads explode like frozen jack-o-lanterns drunkenly tossed on the transitway, a little.

UPDATE II: see, this is how it's done:

Just before the Rev. Jeremiah A. Wright Jr. pronounced Barack Obama and Michelle Robinson man and wife on the evening of Oct. 3, 1992, he held their wedding rings -- signifying their new, enduring bonds -- before the guests at Trinity United Church of Christ. Michelle's was traditional, but Barack's was an intricate gold design from Indonesia, where he had lived as a boy.

and jane, we totally expect your 400 words on the wedding rings that laureen and steve wear on our desks by monday!

rhymes with lock up your daughters

2009-06-11T21:38:00.000-07:00

as canada's #1 public service blog™, we would be remiss if we let the most senior change in the senior ranks pass without comment. so we'd just like to dispel all these nasty rumours about kev getting fired because he didn't get along with guy giorno, which obviously can't be the reason because nobody in this town gets along with guy giorno. no, the real reason is that dude accomplished all he set out to do, what with public service modernization being totally done and all, and so the 50-room retirement mansion in nova scotia beckoned. and rest assured that if there's anyone with a stimulus package big enough to fill the job it's wayne "everybody loves wayne" wouters (oh and btw people, IT'S PRONOUNCED WAHHHTERS GODDAMN YOU). so deputies start sucking up for your new assignments and all shovel-ready hockey rinks in saskatchewan please move to the front of the line, wayne will be with you just as soon as he grows the beard.

'topes ... lose?

2009-06-08T22:20:00.000-07:00

all of these things are sexy, but one is sexier

so our ottawonk operative embedded deep within nrcan reports that they're all deeply disappointed over there that it was the young, hot, communications staffer that got canned, as opposed to the jerky male policy one who yells at you unless you break up all the sciency stuff with some sexy jeebus references (no, seriously). anywayz, congratulations stephen maher for this woodward-and-bernsteinesque feat of political reporting, although we're still not exactly sure why recording devices found in the ladies washroom are automatically assumed to be yours. no doubt they will make a movie about it all someday, what with all the gripping, ready-made dialogue:

From: Steve Maher
To: MacDonnell, Jasmine
Sent: Fri Mar 27 20:50:09 2009
Subject: You totally forgot to let me know about atlantic energy whatsit thingy

From: MacDonnell, Jasmine [mailto:Jasmine.MacDonnell@NRCan-RNCan.gc.ca]
To: Steve Maher
Sent: Sat 28/03/2009 5:24 PM
Subject: Re: You totally forgot to let me know about atlantic energy whatsit thingy

I totally did. The announcement came together really quickly.You still have my tape recorder so I say we're even.

omg, flirt much? is this like the hill version of the leave-behind?

(confidential to jasmine m.: hey we found your phone, nice pics o_O ... call us!)

(confidential to l. ian. m.: win!)

(confidential to lisa r.: don't worry, john baird will totally let you take credit for this one too.)

QP UPDATE: WHY DOES MICHAEL IGNATIEFF NOT FIND CANADIANS WITH CANCER SEXY?! go back to america, douchebag.

QP UPDATE II: btw lisa, another way to say "the comments with which i am associated" is "the comments i totally said, myself, on tape, and which everyone and their mom has now heard like 500 times". here, watch how john baird does it.

and no more priority appointments, lol

2009-05-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

per the federal accountability act and the conflict of interest guidelines to which they are subject, these adorable anthropomorphic refreshments will not perform advocacy roles for clients with the federal government.

so don't even bother to be asking why we cant seem to manage more than one post a month these days, because IF YOU MESS WITH US WE WILL MESS WITH YOU UNTIL WE'RE DONE. anyway, to all the exempt staffers lining up at the exits to get your lobbying jobs, please note the wisdom of anonymous lobbying dude in the hill times:

The rationale for doing that is you get out before you become damaged goods, first of all.

which makes a lot of sense, if by "before" you mean "now" and by "damaged goods" you mean STRAIGHT UP BANNED FROM LOBBYING FOR LIKE 5 YEARS, BITCHES! wait, that still doesn't make sense. anyway: hope, shining through the craptacular quebec numbers like a shiny beacon. yes, we speak of that holy, rarely-sighted grail some call the lobbying act exemption. and just in case you're not as well connected and forgetful as fred doucet, let us break down how this works for you. let's say your ass is so banned from lobbying they totally named a ban after you, and even though you did everything right and got yourself a job doing non-lobbying for a lobby group and filed all your paperwork with the commish, your coveted exemption is still not forthcoming. what to do. well, first you find the motherfucker responsible for getting you banned in the first place, who is probably now out there working for one of the biggest lobbying firms on the planet (in a strictly non-lobbying capacity, bien sûr), and then when you've got dude cornered at some cocktail party you ply him with beverages until he starts to get a little maudlin, and that's when you guilt him into lobbying the lobbying commish for your exemption. and we think you can all see how this is a totally well-thought-out plan from which nothing but good can come for all concerned. but either way, don't forget that cash is perfectly legal tender for all your legitimate businessy transactions.

introducing your minister of state for eco-tourism

2009-05-04T21:58:00.000-07:00

for all you young liberal vultures circling saint-laurent-cartierville, janine krieber has a message for you: stephane will quit just as soon as she tells him too, which is right after he makes enough of the cabmin moneyz to pay off that second mortgage.

middle-aged people fucking

2009-04-28T17:16:00.000-07:00

not stepping o'er the bounds of modesty ...

ok, so no doubt y'all have been wondering where we were for the last couple of months. well ha ha fuck you because we're going to tell you anyway, because we have totally reasonable and work-related excuses. to wit, we had a lot of meetings to attend. at the EDC building. little-known fact: the meeting rooms on the top floor of the EDC building offer some of the finest views in ottawa of that gleaming, mostly-white-marble-clad palace of fiscal rectitude known as l'esplanade laurier. more specifically, they offer a direct view across o'connor street into some DG's office, where said DG and a highly milf-y colleague have been convening regular meetings to review each other's briefing notes, by which we mean to say get it on. like on the desk and shit. anyway, this welcome little break from the drudgery was resulting in an increasing number of meeting requests emanating from EDC (subject line: "omg theyr doing it again!!!"), until some little snitch decided they were going to phone over to TBS, at which point we understand a discreet memo circulated to the relevant section of the secretariat reminding everyone that much like the skydome hotel, the windows at the l'esplanade are in fact two-way. amazingly this resulted in the decrease BUT NOT THE ACTUAL HALT of the activity in question, which is totally awesome when you think about it. but finally the same prudebag phoned over again, and this time our heroes were called in for what was surely the most awkward discussion with an ADM ever in the history of the public service. now we learn that the lady in question has been banished, possibly to tunney's pasture, and so we think you can all see how this is the most tragic and heartbreaking tale of thwarted love since those horny emo kidz in teh shakespeare, the end.

anyway, for those of you wondering why all your super-mega-urgent stimulus-related TB submissions are coming back "deferred", now you know.

and don't forget to take all those canadian foreign intelligence service business cards with you

2009-04-18T10:42:00.000-07:00

every blog post involving spies must be illustrated thusly

so jim judd weighed a summer spent trying to get get PVL to understand important, complicated files and provide some policy direction with a shelf-life longer than five minutes (a chore that we hear le judd has been finding increasingly tedious as of late), versus chillaxin' at the cottage, carving his little wooden ducks and drinking rum-and-cokes with jack hooper while reminiscing about the good ol' days, and guess which one he chose? anyway, lest any of y'all be worrying about being stuck in your own tedious jobs this summer, take heart because it will soon be time to play a little game we like to call changes in the senior ranks of the public service. so have fun in d.c. kevin, we hear the weather is really quite delightful there in summertime (although you may find the gossip blogs somewhat derivative). and hey, looks like richard dicerni may now have an opportunity to test out his innovative ideas for making the management of the federal public service just as effective as ontario power generation, so hooray! (oh god jim for the love of jeebus take us with you)